Episode 18

When Your Child Says They Want to Live With You

In this episode, North Carolina family law attorney Jana Jones explains what happens when a child says they want to live with one parent over the other. She breaks down how courts handle a child’s preference, what “best interest” really means, and when it might lead to a custody change. Jana also shares practical advice for parents—how to approach the other parent, when to seek mediation, and why emotional balance and communication matter just as much as legal steps.

What Happens When Your Child Says They Want to Live With You

When a child tells a parent they want to live with them, it can be an emotional moment — and a legally complex one. In this episode, Jana Jones, a North Carolina family law attorney with over 15 years of experience, explains what happens when a child expresses a desire to live with one parent over the other and how courts approach these sensitive custody situations.

How do North Carolina courts handle a child’s preference?

In North Carolina, the court’s main responsibility in custody cases is to determine what’s in the best interest of the child. While a child’s preference is taken into account, it’s not the deciding factor. Judges consider whether the child is mature enough to clearly express their desires. In some cases, children as young as nine have spoken with a judge, though it’s more common for judges to listen to children aged twelve or thirteen and above.

There are two ways a judge can hear from a child: either by speaking privately with them in chambers or by having them testify in court. Judges and attorneys generally prefer private, in-chamber discussions. Putting a child on the stand can be emotionally damaging, unpredictable, and stressful. When speaking in chambers, children often feel more at ease expressing their true thoughts. However, even when a child’s wishes are made known, judges must still consider broader factors before deciding custody, such as stability, safety, and the overall well-being of the child.

Why might a child testify in court?

Most courts avoid calling children to testify, but it can happen if the parents can’t agree on allowing the child to speak privately with the judge. If one parent objects to an in-chambers discussion, the only remaining option for the court to hear from the child is to have them testify. This is usually a last resort and only happens when no agreement can be reached between the parents.

What do courts look for beyond a child’s wishes?

While a child’s preference is important, the court always places stability and consistency first. Judges look closely at each parent’s ability to provide a safe, structured, and nurturing environment. They consider factors like living arrangements, schooling, healthcare, and extracurricular activities.

If the children are of different genders, for example, the court expects that they have separate rooms as they grow older. The court also looks at each parent’s ability to co-parent effectively, share information, and make reasonable decisions for the child’s benefit. Parents who withhold information or use the child to get back at the other parent are viewed unfavorably.

In Mecklenburg County, where Jana practices, courts often start from the assumption that joint custody is in the child’s best interest, emphasizing the importance of both parents being active in the child’s life.

What happens when a child wants to switch homes?

If a child who primarily lives with one parent expresses a desire to live with the other, the first step isn’t legal action — it’s communication. Jana advises parents to talk with each other to see if they can reach a temporary or mutual agreement before going to court.

For instance, if the child is on summer break, the parents might agree to let them stay with the other parent temporarily to see how it goes. However, during the school year, logistics like distance from school, consistency, and academic performance come into play. The court always prioritizes stability, so changes that disrupt a child’s schooling or daily routine are carefully reviewed.

When does a custody dispute require legal action?

If both parents can’t reach an agreement, the next step is to file for custody or, if a custody order already exists, file a motion to modify custody. The court will only modify custody if there’s a substantial change in circumstances, such as declining grades, emotional distress, or unstable living conditions.

A child’s preference alone usually isn’t enough to change custody. However, if that preference is supported by evidence of issues in the current home, it can become a strong factor in the court’s decision.

How does the emotional side of custody changes impact families?

Jana emphasizes that custody cases are as emotional as they are legal. When a child expresses a desire to live with one parent, it can cause deep emotional strain for everyone involved. Therapy can play a critical role here. It provides a safe space for children and parents to navigate the transition and helps minimize emotional damage.

Jana encourages parents to give each other grace and remember that the court’s role is limited to issuing orders — it cannot heal emotional wounds. True resolution often comes from communication, counseling, and cooperation.

How should you approach the conversation with your co-parent?

Discussing a child’s desire to switch homes can be one of the hardest conversations a parent will ever have. Jana advises honesty and openness. Instead of being confrontational, approach the conversation from a problem-solving perspective:

“Johnny’s mentioned wanting to stay with me for a while. How can we make this work in a way that’s fair to both of us and best for him?”

If emotions are high or communication has broken down, mediation can help. A family law mediator serves as a neutral third party to help parents reach an agreement without going to court. Mediators focus on solutions that protect the child’s best interests while avoiding lengthy and costly litigation.

Why should you consult an attorney before taking action?

If informal discussions or mediation fail, the next step is to consult with an experienced family law attorney. A consultation helps a parent understand whether their situation justifies filing for custody or modification. In some cases, it may be better to wait or explore other alternatives before filing.

Jana notes that some families resolve custody issues through consent orders, where both parents agree to new terms without litigation. Once both sides sign and submit the agreement to the court, it becomes legally enforceable without the need for a trial.

What’s the final takeaway for parents?

When a child says they want to live with you, it’s essential to approach the situation calmly and strategically. Courts focus on the child’s best interests — not emotions, not revenge, and not convenience. Jana’s advice for parents is clear: start with communication, prioritize your child’s emotional well-being, and seek legal guidance when necessary.